I wonder if I've internalized more racism than I'm usually aware of. Right now, I am playing with the idea of bleaching my hair. Why? It's expensive, boring to get done, and my brown hair looks good. So why do I want to be blond? I know I'm never going to look not white, but do I have some weird desire to look even whiter? I don't know. Maybe I'm being paranoid. I know I'm bored of myself right now, and this might be an attempt to change from the outside in. Or it could just be because I found such a beautiful shade of light, cool, blond.